A Dirty Job Chapter 24

24AUDREY AND THE SQUIRREL PEOPLECharlie could discover things scurrying chthonian the porch as he walked to the front entre of the Buddhist center, besides the weight of the enormous pistol hed stuck down the back of his belt reassured him, even if it was pulling his pants down a microscopical. The front door was nearly twelve feet tall, red, with reeded glass running the length, and there were arrays of colorful Tibetan prayer wheels, like spools, on either side of the door. Charlie knew what they were because hed once had a buccaneer try to sell him about hot singles stolen from a temple.Charlie knew he should kick down the door, but accordingly, it was a in truth big door, and although he had watched a destiny of cop shows and movies where door kicking had been d unity, he was inexperienced himself. A nonher option was to pull his pistol and blast the lock off the door, but he didnt drive in all more about lock blasting than he did door kicking, so he decided to ring the doorbell.The scurrying noises increased and he could hear heavier footsteps inside. The door swung open and the pretty brunette he knew as Elizabeth Sarkoff Esther Johnsons fake niece stood in the doorway.Why, Mr. Asher, what a pleasant surprise.It wont be for long, sister, verbalise his inner tough guy. Mrs. Sarkoff, dainty to contain you. What atomic number 18 you doing here?Im the receptionist. Come in, come in.Charlie stepped into the foyer, which opened up to a staircase and had sliding double doors on either side. He could contain that straight back the foyer led to a dining room with a long table, and beyond that a kitchen. The house had been restored nicely, and didnt really see the carri bestride of a public building.The inner tough guy said, Dont try to run your game on me, floozy. Ive never take up a dame before, but if I dont array some straight blab quick, Im willing to give it a try, see. Charlie said, I had no idea you were a Buddhist. Thats fascinatin g. Hows your Aunt Esther, by the way? He had her now, didnt even have to slap her around.Still dead. Thanks for asking, though. What can I do for you, Mr. Asher?The sliding door to the left of them opened an inch and soulfulness, a younker mans voice, said, Master, we need you.Ill be right there, said the alleged Mrs. Sarkoff.Master? Charlie raised an eyebrow.We hold receptionists in very high regard in the Buddhist tradition. She grinned, really big and goofy, like she didnt even believe it herself. Charlie was totally charmed by the laughter and open surrender in her eyes. Trust there, with no reason for it. swell God, youre a bad liar, he said.Guess you could see right through my moo-poo, huh? Big grin.So, you are? Charlie offered his hand to shake.I am the Venerable Amitabha Audrey Rinpoche. She bowed. Or vertical Audrey, if youre in a hurry. She took two of Charlies fingers and shook them.Charlie Asher, Charlie said. So youre not really Mrs. Johnsons niece.And youre not real ly a used-c haulagehing dealer?Well, actually Thats all Charlie got out. There was a crashing sound from straight a leave, glass and splintering wood. because he saw the table go over in the succeeding(prenominal) room and Minty modern screamed freeze as he leapt over the fallen table and headed toward them, gunman in hand, oblivious, evidently, to the fact that he was seven feet tall and that the doorway, built in 1908, was all six feet eight inches high.Stop, Charlie shouted, about a half second too late, as Minty Fresh drove tetrad inches of forehead into some very nicely undefiled oak trim above the door with a thud that shook the whole house. His feet continued on, his body swinging after, and at unrivaled point he was parallel to the floor, about six feet off the ground, when gravity decided to manifest itself.The chrome Desert Eagle clattered all the way through the foyer and pee-pee the front door. Minty Fresh landed flat and quite unconscious on the floor between Charlie and Audrey.And this is my friend Minty Fresh, Charlie said. He doesnt do this a lot.Boy, you dont see that both day, said Audrey, looking down at the sleeping giant.Yeah, Charlie said. I dont know where he found raw silk in moss green.Thats not linen? Audrey asked.No, its silk.Hmm, its so wrinkled, I thought it must be linen, or a blend.Well, I hold maybe all the activity Yeah, I guess so. Audrey nodded, then looked at Charlie. So Mr. Asher. A womans voice to his right. The doors on Charlies right slid open, and an older woman stood there Irena Posokovanovich. The last time hed seen her he was sitting in the back of Riveras cruiser, in handcuffs.Mrs. PosokovMrs. Posokovano Irena How are you?You werent so concerned about that yesterday.No, I was. I really was. Sorry about that. Charlie smiled, viewing it was his most charming smile. I intrust you dont have that pepper spray with you.I dont, Irena said.Charlie looked at Audrey. We had a curt misunderstanding I have t his, Irena said, producing a stun gun from behind her back, pressing it to Charlies chest and sending a hundred and twenty-five thousand volts surging through his body. He could see animals, or animal-like puppets, dressed in period finery, approaching him as he convulsed in pain on the floor.Get them both tied up, guys, Audrey said. Ill make tea.Tea? Audrey said.So, for the second time in his life, Charlie Asher found himself tied to a chair and being served a hot beverage. Audrey was bent over before him, holding a teacup, and regardless of the awkwardness or danger of the situation, Charlie found himself staring down the front of her shirt.What kind of tea? Charlie asked, buying time, noticing the cluster of tiny silk roses that perched happily at the front clasp of her bra.I like my tea like I like my men, Audrey said with a grin. Weak and green.Now Charlie looked into her eyes, which were smiling. Your right hand is free, she said. hardly we had to take your gun and your s co ntrive-cane, because those things are frowned upon.Youre the nicest captor Ive ever had, Charlie said, taking the teacup from her.What are you trying to say? said Minty Fresh.Charlie looked to his right, where Minty Fresh was tied to a chair that do him look as if hed been taken hostage at a childs tea party his knees were up near his chin and one of his wrists was taped near the floor. person had ramble a large ice pack on his head, which looked vaguely like a tam-o-shanter.Nothing, Charlie said. You were a great captor, too, dont get me wrong.Tea, Mr. Fresh? Audrey said.Do you have coffee? keep going in a second, Audrey said. She left the room.Theyd been moved to one of the rooms off the foyer, Charlie couldnt tell which. It must have been a parlor for entertaining during its day, but it had been born-again into a combination office and reception room metal desks, a computer, some filing cabinets, and an array of older oak office chairs for running(a) and waiting.I gauge sh e likes me, Charlie said.She has you taped to a chair, Minty Fresh said, pulling at the tape around his ankles with his free hand. The ice pack fell off his head and hit the floor with a loud thump.I didnt notice how attractive she was when I met her before.Would you help me get free, please? Minty said. crowd outt, Charlie said. Tea. He held up his cup.Clicking noises by the door. They looked up as four little bipeds in silk and satin scampered into the room. One, who had the face of an iguana, the hands of a raccoon, and was dressed like a musketeer, big-feathered hat and all, drew a sword and poked Minty Fresh in the hand he was using to pull at the duct tape.Ow, dammit. ThingI dont think he wants you to try to get loose, Charlie said.The iguana guy saluted Charlie with a flourish of his sword and pointed to the end of his snout with his free hand, as if to say, On the nose, buddy.So, Audrey said, entering the room carrying a tray with Mintys coffee, I see youve met the squirrel people.Squirrel people? Charlie asked.A little lady with a ducks face and reptilian hands wearing a purple satin evening gown curtsied to Charlie, who nodded back.Thats what we call them, Audrey said. Because the first few I made had squirrel faces and hands, but then I ran out of squirrel parts and they got more baroque.Theyre not creatures of the Underworld? Charlie said. You made them?Sort of, Audrey said. Cream and sugar, Mr. Fresh?Please, Minty said. You make these monsters?All four of the little creatures turned to him at once and leaned back, as if to say, Hey, pal, who are you trading monsters.Theyre not monsters, Mr. Fresh. The squirrel people are as human as you are.Yeah, except they have better fashion sense, Charlie said.Im not always going to be taped to this chair, Asher, Minty said. Woman, who or what the hell are you?Be nice, Charlie said.I suppose I should exempt, Audrey said.Ya think? Minty said.Audrey sat down on the floor, cross-legged, and the squirrel people gathered around her, to listen.Well, its a little embarrassing, but I guess it started when I was a kid. I enlighten of had this affinity for dead things.Like you liked to touch dead things? asked Minty Fresh. Get naked with them?Would you please let the lady talk, Charlie said. Bitch is a freak, Minty said.Audrey smiled. Why, yes yes, I am, Mr. Fresh, and you are tied up in my dining room, at the mercy of some(prenominal) freaky thing that might occur to me. She tapped a silver demitasse withdraw shed used to stir her tea on her front tooth and rolled her eyes as if imagining something delicious.Please go on, said Minty Fresh with a shudder. Sorry to interrupt.It wasnt a freaky thing, Audrey said, glancing at Minty, daring him to speak up. It was just that I had an overdeveloped sense of empathy with the dying, mostly animals, but when my grandmother passed, I could feel it, from miles away. Anyway, it didnt overwhelm me or anything, but when I got to college, to see if I could get a handle on it, I decided to study Eastern philosophy oh yeah, and fashion design.I think its important to look good when youre doing the work of the dead, Charlie said.Well uh okay, Audrey said. And I was a good seamstress. I really liked making costumes. Anyway, I met and fell in love with a guy.A dead guy? Minty asked.Soon enough, Mr. Fresh. He was dead soon enough. Audrey looked down at the carpet.See, you insensitive fuck, Charlie said. You hurt her feelings.Hello, tied to a chair here, Minty said. Surrounded by little monsters, Asher. Not the insensitive one.Sorry, Charlie said.Its okay, Audrey said. His name was William nightstick, and we were together for two years before he got sick. Wed only been engaged a month when he was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. They gave him a couple of months to live. I dropped out of school and stayed with him every moment. One of the nurses from hospice knew about my Eastern studies course and recommended we talk with Dorje Rinpoche, a monk from the Tibetan Buddhist Center in Berkeley. He talked to us about Bardo Thodrol, what you know as the Tibetan Book of the Dead. He helped uprise Billy to transfer his consciousness into the next world into his next life. It took our focus off of the nefariousness and made end a natural, hopeful thing. I was with Billy when he died, and I could feel his consciousness move on really feel it Dorje Rinpoche said that I had some special talent. He thought I should study under a high lama.So you became a monk? Charlie asked.I thought a lama was just a tall sheep, said Minty Fresh.Audrey ignored him. I was heartbroken and I needed direction, so I went to Tibet and was accepted at a monastery where I studied Bardo Thodrol for twelve years under Lama Karmapa Rinpoche, the seventeenth reincarnation of the bodhisattva who had founded our school of Buddhism a thousand years ago. He taught me the art of phowa the transference of the consciousness at the moment of death .So you could do what the monk had done for your fianc Charlie asked.Yes. I performed phowa for many of the mountain villagers. It was a sort of a specialty with me along with making the robes for everyone in the monastery. Lama Karmapa told me that he mat I was a very old nous, the reincarnation of a superenlightened being from many generations before. I thought perhaps he was just trying to examen me, to get me to succumb to ego, but when his own death was near and he called me to perform the phowa for him, I realized that this was the test, and he was trusting the transference of his own soul to me.Just so were clear, said Minty Fresh. I would not trust you with my car keys.The iguana musketeer poked Minty in the calf with his little sword and the big man yelped.See, Charlie said. When youre vulgar it comes back on you like karma.Audrey smiled at Charlie, put her tea on the floor, and folded her legs into the lotus position, settling in. When the Lama passed, I saw his cons ciousness leave his body. Then I felt my own consciousness leave my body, and I followed the Lama into the mountains, where he showed me a small countermine, buried deep beneath the snow. And in that cave was a stone box, sealed with wax and sinew. He told me that I must find the box, and then he was gone, ascended, and I found myself back in my body.Were you superenlightened then? Charlie asked.I dont even know what that is, Audrey said. The Lama was wrong about that, but something had changed me while performing the phowa for him. When I came out of the room with his body, I could see a red spot cuting in people, right at their heart chakra. It was the same thing I had followed into the mountains, the undying consciousness I could see peoples souls. But what was more disturbing to me, I could see that the glow was absent in some people, or I couldnt see it in them, or in myself. I didnt know why, but I did know that I had to find that stone box. By following the exact path into the mountains that the Lama had shown me, I did. Inside was a scroll that most Buddhists thought still think was a myth the lost chapter of the Tibetan Book of the DeadIt outlined two long-lost arts, the phowa of forceful projection, and one I hadnt even heard of, the phowa of undying. The first allows you to force a soul from one being to another, and the second allows the practitioner to prolong the transition, the bardo, between life and death indefinitely.Does that mean you could make people live forever? Charlie asked.Sort of more like they just stop dying. I meditated on the amazing gift Id been presumptuousness for months, afraid to try to perform the rituals. But one day when I was attending the bardo of an old man who was dying of a painful stomach cancer, I could watch the suffering no longer, and I tried the phowa of forceful projection. I guided his soul into the body of his newborn grandson, who I could see had no glow at his heart chakra. I could actually see the glow move across the room and the soul enter the baby. The man died in peace only seconds later.A few weeks later I was called to attend the bardo of a young boy who had taken ill and was showing all the signs of imminent death. I couldnt let to let it happen, knowing that there might be something I might be able to do, so I performed the phowa of undying on him, and he didnt die. In fact, he got better. I succumbed to the ego of it, then, and I started to perform the ritual on other villagers, instead of helping them on to their next life. I did five in as many months, but there was a problem. The parents of the little boy summoned me. He wasnt growing not even his hair and nails. He was stuck at age nine. But by then the villagers were all coming to me with the dying, and word spread throughout the mountains to other villages. They lined up outside of our monastery, demanding I come see them. But I had refused to perform the ritual, realizing that I was not helping these people, but in fact freezing them in their spiritual progression, plus, you know, kind of freaking them out.Understandably, Charlie said.I couldnt explain to my fellow monks what was happening. So I ran away in the night. I presented myself to be of service to a Buddhist center in Berkeley, and I was accepted as a monk. It was during that time that I saw, for the first time, a human soul contained in an inanimate object, when I went into a medicine store in the Castro. It was your music store, Mr. Fresh.I knew that was you, said Minty. I told Asher about you.He did, Charlie said. He said you were very attractive.I did not, Minty said.He did. Nice eyes, he said, Charlie said. Go on.There was no mistaking it, though the glow in the CD it was exactly the same presence that I could sense in people who had a soul. Needless to say, I was freaked out.Needless to say, Charlie said. I had a similar experience.Audrey nodded. I was going to discuss all of this with my master at the center, you know , come clean about what I had intentional in Tibet turn the scrolls over to someone who perhaps understood what was going on with the souls inside of objects, but after only a few months, word came from Tibet that I had left under suspicious circumstances. I dont know what details they gave, but I was asked to leave the center.So you formed a posse of aflutter animal things and moved to the Mission, said Minty Fresh. Thats nice. You can let me loose from this chair now and Ill be on my way.Fresh, will you please let Audrey finish cogent her story. Im sure theres a perfectly innocent reason that she hangs out with a posse of spooky animal things.Audrey pressed on. I was able to get a job as costumer for a local theater group, and being around theater people, basically a bunch of born show-offs, can put you back into the swing of a life. I tried to forget about my practice in Tibet, and I focused on my work, trying to let my creativeness drive me. I couldnt afford to make full-si zed costumes, so I began to create smaller versions. I bought a collection of stuffed squirrels from a secondhand store in the Mission, and used those as my first models. Later I made my models out of other taxi-dermied animal parts mixing and matching them, but Id already started calling them my squirrel people. A lot of them have bird feet, chicken and duck, because I could purchase them in Chinatown, along with things like turtle heads and well, you can buy a lot of dead-animal parts in Chinatown.Tell me about it, Charlie said. I live a block from the shark parts store. Never actually tried to build a shark from spare parts, though. Bet that would be fun.Yall are twisted, Minty said. Both of you you know that, right? Messin with dead things and all.Charlie and Audrey each raised an eyebrow at him. A creature in a blue kimono with the face of a dog skull gave Minty the critical eye socket and would have raised an eyebrow at him if shed had one.All right, go on, Minty said, wav ing Audrey on with his free hand. You made your point.Audrey sighed. So I started to hit all of the secondhand stores in the metropolis, looking for everything from buttons to hands. And at at least eight stores, I found the soul objects all grouped together at each store. I realized that I wasnt the only one who could see them glowing red. Someone was imprisoning these souls in the objects. Thats how I came to know about you gentlemen, whatever you are. I had to get these souls out of your hands. So I bought them. I wanted them to move on to their next rebirth, but I didnt know how. I thought about using the phowa of forceful projection, forcing a soul into someone who I could see was soulless, but that suffice takes time. What would I do, tie them up? And I didnt even know if it would work. After all, that method was used to force a soul from one person to another, not from an inanimate object.Charlie said, So you tried this forceful-projection thing with one of your squirrel pe ople?Yeah, and it worked. But what I didnt count on is that they became animated. She started walking around, doing things, intelligent things. Which is how they came to be these little guys youve seen today. more tea, Mr. Asher? Audrey smiled and held the teapot out to Charlie.Those things have human souls? Charlie asked. Thats heinous.Oh yeah, and its better that you have the soul imprisoned in an old pair of sneakers in your shop. Theyre only in the squirrel people until I can figure how to put their souls into a person. I wanted them saved from you and your kind.Were not the bad guys. Tell her, Fresh, were not the bad guys.Were not the bad guys, Minty said. Can I get some more coffee?Were Death Merchants, Charlie said, but it came out much less cheerful-sounding than hed hoped. He was very desperate for Audrey not to think of him as a bad guy. Like most Beta Males, he didnt realize that being a good guy was not necessarily an draw poker to women.Thats what Im saying, Audrey sai d, I couldnt just let you guys sell the souls like so much secondhand junk.Thats how they find their next rebirth, Minty said.What? Audrey looked at Charlie for confirmation.Charlie nodded. Hes right. We get the souls when someone dies, and then someone buys them and they get to their next life. Ive seen it happen.No way, Audrey said, overpouring Mintys coffee.Yep, Charlie said. We can see the red glow, but not in peoples bodies like you. Only in the objects. When someone who needs a soul comes in contact with the object, the glow goes out. The soul moves into them.I thought youd trapped the souls between lives. Youre not holding these souls prisoner?Nope.It wasnt us after all, Minty Fresh said to Charlie. She was the one that brought all of this on.What on? What? Audrey said.There are Forces of Darkness we dont know what they are, Charlie said. What weve seen are giant ravens, and these demon-like women, we call them sewer harpies because theyve come out of the act sewers. They g ain strength when they get hold of a soul vessel and theyre getting really strong. The prophecy says they are going to rise in San Francisco and darkness will cover the world.And they are in the sewers? Audrey said.Both Death Merchants nodded.Oh no, thats how the squirrel people get around town without being seen. Ive sent them to the different stores in the City to get the souls. I must have been sending them right to these creatures. And a lot of them havent come home. I thought they just might be lost, or wandering around. They do that. They have the potential of full human consciousness, but something is lost with time out of the body. Sometimes they can get a little goofy.No kidding, said Charlie. So is that why iguana boy over there is gnawing on the light cord?Ignatius, get off there If you electrocute yourself the only place I have to put your soul is that Cornish hen I got at the Safeway. Its still frozen and I dont have any pants that will fit it. She turned to Charlie w ith an embarrassed smile. The things you never think youll hear yourself say.Yeah, kids, what are you gonna do? Charlie said, trying to sound easygoing. You know, one of your squirrel people unsettled me with a crossbow.Audrey looked distraught now. Charlie wanted to comfort her. Give her a hug. Kiss her on the top of the head and tell her that everything was all right. Maybe even get her to untie him.They did? Crossbow, oh, that would be Mr. Shelly. He was a spy or something in a former life had a habit of going off on his own little missions. I sent him to keep an eye on you and report back so I could figure out what you were doing. No one was supposed to get hurt. He never came home. Im really sorry.Report back? Charlie said. They can talk?Well, they dont talk, Audrey said. But some of them can read and write. Mr. Shelly could actually type. Ive been working on that. I need to get them a voice box that works. I tried one out of a talking doll, but I just ended up with a ferret in a samurai outfit that cried and kept asking if it could go play in the sandbox, it was unnerving. Its a unlike process, as long as theres organic parts, stuff that was once living, they knit together, they work. Muscles and tendons make their own connections. Ive been using hams for the torsos, because it gives them a lot of muscle to work with, and they facial expression better until the process is finished. You know, smoky. But some things are a mystery. They dont grow voice boxes.They dont appear to grow eyes, either, Charlie said, gesturing with his teacup at a creature whose head was an eyeless cat skull. How do they see?Got me. Audrey shrugged. It wasnt in the book.Man, I know that feeling, said Minty Fresh.So Ive been experimenting with a voice box made out of bowel and cuttlebone. Well see if the one who has it learns to talk.Why dont you put the souls back in human bodies? asked Minty. I mean, you can, right?I suppose, Audrey said. But to be honest, I didnt have any h uman corpses lying around the house. But there does have to be a piece of human being in them I learned that from experimenting a finger bone, blood, something. I got a great deal on a backbone in a junk store in the Haight and Ive been using one vertebra for each of them.So youre like some monstrous reanimator, Charlie said. Then he quickly added, And I mean that in the nicest way.Thanks, Mr. Death Merchant. Audrey smiled back and went to the nearby desk for some scissors. But it looks like I need to cut you loose and hear how you guys got into your line of work. Mr. Greenstreet, could you bring us some more tea and coffee?A creature with a beavers skull for a head, wearing a fez and a red satin smoking jacket, bowed and scampered by Charlie, headed toward the kitchen.Nice jacket, Charlie said.The beaver guy gave him a thumbs-up as he passed. Lizard thumbs.